some things never change, some things only stay the same..

Going into this holiday season and new year, I am a different person. Rehabilitated? Maybe. Just habilitated, perhaps.. finally equipped with the ability to function independently in life. I was raised well. I was raised intelligently. The only thing lacking was confidence and I see that still to this day in both parents but its not about them anymore. It shouldn't have ever been about them.

Recognizing every instance where your faltered is not easy but its a good thing. Knowing where you've been, how you got there and why you left, and knowing whether or not you should ever go back. It makes letting go easier. There are many things that have happened over the past 10 years alone that I have held onto so tightly that they felt like they were a part of me and if I let them go, I would lose another piece of myself and that was not acceptable. Those things include people, problems and bad situations.. none of which were positive, and obviously not permanent, in my life. I have been such a sucker and I've been even better at playing the part of someone who could never be fooled, in the end I have made a lot of enemies and have looked crazy on a number of occasions. There are things that I may always lie about publicly because I am still not proud of them. I mean what girl wants to think about every failed relationship or time she got played but some asshole? I accept it all, I've confessed the necessary secrets but its not who I am now, so I don't have to continue to try & work it into my character. So I was sexually promiscuous in high school and I lied about it a lot. So I fell in love with a guy that hung out with a bunch of really fucked up people and that didn't make being a good person easy and now neither of us are the same people anymore. So I hung out with a bunch of selfish young adults that never cared as much as me, that stole love interests, stabbed me in the back, talked shit, bailed on all of the important stuff, started wars over bullshit, turned me into a joke, didn't know when to stop, etc. So my therapist says I shouldn't talk to my family and I care too much about people. So my Dad would like to forget the past 26 years of his life including me and drowns in sorrows in RPGs. So my Mom deletes me on networking sites when she gets mad at me and cares too much about the past to make the future better. So what? Who cares? I did but none of what I was hung up on is real. I can't touch it. I can't see it. So it only exists in theory and life is not theoretical therefore it doesn't matter. So, it doesn't matter.

We are finally on the up & up and it feels really good.

25 in 7 days

it is time to nut up or shut up, woody.. you're absolutely right!

So it turns out I'm probably the sucker in one of those "friends close enemies closer" friendships. It also turns out that a lot of my friends have counted on me to be the bigger person or the one who won't mind/will be understanding about being put on the back burner. As it turns out, I am not. I am so done with my spineless, poor excuses of friends who run their mouths to me about shit because they know I'll agree that whatever wrong someone is doing them is wrong or that when someone is being a worthless, waste of life that is what they're doing. I used to be someone who really cared about the well being of my closest friends but I used to have friends that were worth that sort of loyalty. Now I just know a bunch of cowards who stand up for things that will ultimately never effect them.. unless of course they're fucked up on something then you better watch your ass.... especially when they"ve already gotten back to the car or you've already left where ever they are, thus disabling any opportunity for a real confrontation.

I'm tired of all the talk. I don't want friends that I feel the need to tell what to do or that I feel are a mess or a just plain fucking stupid. I can't explain what its like look at someone that you care for and just think "how have you made it through life even this far? you are so incredibly unintelligent.." I also can't explain how angry & kind of grossed out it makes me to have someone continually bitch to me about their totaly detestation for a person who is no longer a part of my life for all of the reasons they're bitching and for them to turn around and basically slap me in the face with it. That is retarded dude. If there's one thing I've learned in therapy its that you're not supposed to talk shit about the people you care about. You either try to help them within healthy boundaries or you cut them lose for your own well being because no one should be expected to carry dead weight around and that goes for friends & family. Really, you shouldn't have to try and be someone's friend at all but sometimes your good friends (people who have proven to be a good person to & for you) need your help. But there are also friends who just need way too much and never give back what you need. Those are the jerks I personally am done with.

I'd rather have a handful of friends than a back full of knives.

i'm the worst blogger ever..

I'm probably not the worst ever but I suck at this.

There are so many things I need to or should be doing right now but can't for one reason or another. I need a job and one that I actually respect. I need to write music & record it. I need to make better contacts and stay in contact with them.

I went and saw Walking with Dinosaurs. It was awesome but it was also really nice to go to something like that. Something where its inappropriate to drink or to be on anything or to be a displayed, extreme version of yourself. Sit there, watch, be entertained.. even learn something. The one thing I wish my parents taught me was that coolness didn't matter and that if I thought something was cool then it was cool and it didn't matter if no one agreed. I'm happy to be getting to a point that my confidence in my opinions isn't projected through rants & outbursts and I am who I am.. comfortably. I'm working on being so passive aggressive now.. I'm perfecting smug, cold composure and my brief DC lifestyle gives me too many outlets to practice on.

The new Paramore is good. I could deal without the few "we're probably the best band ever & you should know that its awesome that we didn't break up" (i.e. "looking up" & "where the lines overlap") tracks but everything else is awesome. I'm relatively hooked on "the only exception." Hayley Williams is definitely growing as a writer and that is refreshing & inspiring.

DL: Devendra Banhart-"Baby"... its cute city, USA

Update complete.. BOOM

selfish.

how can you give up the good?
like its just so easy for you to be unhappy
you're worse than me with that
and i was never meant to take it
why taunt yourself with endless nights
when you know you'll never live there?
you could find what you want
even if its not what they all wanted
and who are these false saints
left here for you to praise?
i commend you on your faith
but doubt they feel the same
i see their backs afront the gun
and i see you take it all in
i hope you get out one day love
but i'm starting to doubt you will



stream of thought at work..

so creeped out!

ok, so that infamous aquarian is a nut job! HOLY MOTHER!

he did this thing on me.. word for word..

http://www.scribd.com/doc/353114/Cube-Routine

MAKE HER CHASE YOU: the guide to creating a magnetic personality (WTF?!?!#!#!#^!??!@!@)

dude... AND consequently he's also [not] dating my dear friend's new room mate.. or rather "they have a history"... that's just a dressed up way of saying you slept together but never actually dated.

... I bet he tells her he loves her too. Whatta douche.

stress

I have court in the morning. I'm losing it right now. Switching back & forth between the necessary & the self inflicted. I feel like an idiot and I'm terrified at the same... its a horribly unsettling feeling. I feel like throwing up and crying and taking a run and walking up the street & throwing myself off of the top of the parking garage all at the same time. I want tomorrow to be over. I don't want another continuance and I don't want to go to jail. I need a miracle.

In regards to the self inflicted stress, I think I really was on candid camera or at least made to be a joke in a public forum. I don't stir up "genuine feelings" just to lay them to rest. I also don't have time for this right now or the stamina. Tonight was the first time in a while that I actually wanted/felt the need to drink but I didn't. It wasn't worth it. Some things just aren't, I guess.

unrelated emotions

the other day i was in the car with mark venting about my life, he said "you feel like you have to abort your baby and you ain't even pregnant." that was exactly how i felt and i have never been pregnant nor had to take part in anything to do with having an abortion.

today is a similar story. i'm sitting here @ work, listening to my ipod and "i miss being mrs" by loretta lynn comes on and immediately listening to it i felt like she & i were going through the exact same thing. the song is about her husband dying... i've never been married!

ugh. i want to get to the good part!

End of Day 2, Beginning of Day 3

Its 1:00 AM. I'm kind of tired but more mind blown about the current state of things.

train of thought: Fuck, I'm going to jail. I am. I know it.>>>Maybe not though... gotta keep going.>>> How is it YOU guys that got knocked up before everyone else??>>>How is it that I am the first of us to face jail time??>>>I miss [something completely undeserving of being missed]..>>>Why are you such a douche?>>>I should have never worked at Be Bar... what a fucking train wreck [it turned me into]>>>I frequently miss Tyler and the good he shared with me>>>Typefighter songs..>>>I need to do something!!!>>>I need to ride this out & be patient. It all ends soon.>>>50-50 is bullshit when it comes to the law. there are 3 out comes here... THREEEE!!!>>>stalker check is stupid.>>>teenagers are really stupid.>>>"You could be a sweet dream.. or a beautiful nightmare"-Beyonce

I started my growing up documentary/video log. I'm pretty stoked on that.

My feet are asleep and I have to work tomorrow. If thunderstorms could stick around through labor day, I would be exceedingly grateful.

Revelation.

Alright, so next week is when I'm going to officially grow up. I recognize that this sounds strange but something a lot of people have missed about me is my complete lack of direction. I need to redevelop some sort of self sufficiency. I know what I want in the end but I have done absolutely nothing to achieve or deserve it. And considering I'm not already a wife & mother, there must be some other thing I'm supposed to achieve before that happens. So I'm going to start.

I'm going to try and document the whole thing on here and youtube. August 2, 2009 is the 1st day of the rest of my life.. haha. Wish me luck!

weight.

the most difficult battles i've had to fight are depression and now apathy & the need to be destructive. my ability to care is lost in a sea of anger, self pity & self loathing.

i need for something to change. i need a savior.

The difference between good & bad friends

So I have made no secrets about my recent unpleasant events. This is mainly because I need everyone that plays a consistent role in my life to understand where I'm at and where I don't need to be right now. It looks as though I really need to cut most of the people I've met over the past 6-7 months out of my life. Fortunately not working at the bar has done that for me. So has the rumor that I still work there, which is funny that people hate the place so much, that they'd refuse to speak to someone for still working there. I can't say I blame you but I also can't say I feel the same way because I do love a couple people who decided to stick around and there won't be a time that I don't think they are great & worthwhile people, plus I understand the times and everyone's gotta make a paycheck.

To continue on my initial train of thought, I have to tell you the reason that more or less slapped me across the face and made me sit down and evaluate myself & the situations I put myself into. Like I said in my previous post, the friends who have been supporting me are amazing. Helping me sort things out, dissecting issues & causes and not just saying "it'll be okay" but actually helping me seek ways out, which I'm sure is weird for some people because I am generally the voice of reason & guidance for a lot of the people I know. I am eternally grateful for the reality that has been bestowed upon me and the strong individuals in my life that make it worth living.

So what's the reason? Where's the slap? Its not in any of the above. No. Not at all. The reason was telling another friend about this problem I've developed and their response being, "Girl.. I told you if you were gonna be drinking & driving like that, that you'd better be doing some coke.." The rest doesn't even matter. What sort of advice is that?? Is this actual logic? Where did this logic come from? And how was it justified to the point that it could be thrown around as actual advice? I was beside myself for days over this. Searching for the punch line that would never come because this person was dead serious when they said it.

The idea that life has become this trite entity that we should dangle upon a string over whatever fatal ending we can conjure up in an evening and we should figure out how to make that string as thin as it can possibly be paralyzes my brain. I can't tell you what a relief it is to know that my safety net is rock bottom enough for me and while everything I will have to deal with in the coming months because of the stupid mistakes I have made is undoubtedly going to suck. I am prepared for it and I'm ready for everything that waits on the other side because anything is better than looking back.

Don't say anything, if you have nothing nice to say.

life.

As I sit here scoffing to myself about the current status & events in mine, I don't feel the same way I did before. I do not have the ability to drop the ball at this point in my life. Even worse, I just realized when & why I dropped it for real. I'd like to take the time to be floored but I do not have the time to grant that ability. I am freaked out. My friends are being really supportive & helpful but my brain keeps scrambling back to "fuuuck.."

However, for the first time, I really do feel like people are standing beside me, coexisting and recognizing things that I refuse to recognize or accept because I am too afraid to be vulnerable. The 2 most impacting recently were my step dad bringing up my dad completely bailing on me for San Diego last year a week after telling me I could move there with him a month "or so" later and the other being Erin understanding the fact that I've kept my hands busy with everyone else's problems & always seemed so happy but its all just been a distraction. The truth is I am pissed at my father. My mother is a fucking bitch, but she stuck around even though she probably should have just let someone take me from her too, she drug me right along with her. I believe it was out of spite & pride due to losing my sister to her dad's family because I have known my entire life that she did not want another girl and when I came out, she immediately decided to never have kids again. Whether she admits this or not, through all of the anger I've had thrown my way from her, I know she didn't want me. I also know having me severely altered the life she had planned for herself, which blows but shit happens.

But my dad, its so hard to deal with him & how I feel about him. From what I see, he & my mother had different ideas of how their marriage was going to go down and then I came along. I love my dad. When I was a kid, he was the greatest person in my life and that was probably because nothing bad ever happened when I was around him. Until he started dating. Something I can tell you about my dad, he likes crazy bitches. I haven't met his current girlfriend but every other one was crazy or they were completely incompetent in all things to do with adult life or both. As I'm typing this I'm realizing that I've turned myself into one of those women my dad always went after and consequently, bailed on me for. Except I don't have kids. They always had kids. Three of them had kids that he decided to take care of and he did, more so than he did me during those times.

Here's my thing, I started out on this long personal journey about 2 years ago and I decided to get passed all of the things I had held against my family & to develop a better relationship with them. Now I am on the other side of it and now I know all of the stuff that I thought was total bullshit & ruined my life was in fact total bullshit & really fucked up my life. Like I thanked my mom for having the intuition to know that I was really weirded out by this guy she had babysit me & to take me out of the situation. Now, no because if it weren't for her and her horrendous taste in people, that fucked up creepy old man would have never been my babysitter and I would have never had to see him in his underwear or lay in a fucking bed with him. His name was Randall for Christ's sake.. doesn't get much more pedophile than that (sorry if that's anyone who's not a pedophile's name.. like I'm really sorry because your name sucks.) I'm over my mom though man. She gave birth to a war buddy, not a daughter and I got tired of fighting a long time ago.

Here now, I am angry at my father because he knew damn well who he was leaving me with and at no point through anything that happened did he pull me out. He may not have known that she would never change and would only get worse with every passing failed moment but at some point he figured it out and he still did nothing. When she sent me to live with him, he sent me back because I cried for my friends. I had such shitty friends and he knew I had shitty friends. One of those shitty friends would later be the one to tell the white trash kid that worked for him the completely false rumor that I was a 16 year old prostitute, which would go on to be the reason he would barely acknowledge my existence for the 2-3 years following. He sold me out for whores & bullshit from like 1996 until his ex-fiancee left him in 2007. The same bitch I told him was cheating on him in 1996-97. Now we talk on holidays & birthdays. From my idol to some guy who can barely stop gaming long enough to have a conversation with me when we talk. As stupid as it seems, going to San Diego with him was my out. I was going to transfer to the coast that actually matters with my old job and I was going to live at the beach & start over again. Then a week later, he calls me to hold on to a few important things for him because he didn't want them to get ruined in the move. These 2 things were a USO sketch of my grandfather from 1945 and a caricature of me he had drawn at Potomac Mills in 1993. I cried when he gave them to me and left because I knew that was pretty much it. He had moved forward, he was ready to move on and the reality was he had been done with me for years. It wasn't his ex's fault anymore. He made the choice to distance himself and he made the choice to leave me behind again.

Except this time I was old enough to drink and I did. Boom. Totaled car. DUI. Had to quit my full time job with benefits that I'd had for 2 years, so I could pay for a lawyer who sucked.

Then my mom left. Which didn't really do anything  but solidify that I was alone. So to further increase my alcohol intake, I started working at a bar. Then the blackouts started but someone was always there to keep me upright. Then I started working at a bar where I was buddies with the majority of the staff & customers there and became well acquainted with a lot of excessively self indulgent people. 2 more DUIs later and I don't work there anymore & I'm seeking therapy, that I can't afford because of the inconsistency of my old job that has left me really behind on my bills and I'm sure my next years worth of wages will be going towards lawyer fees & court fines/costs.

My mom's response "BLAH BLAH BLAH..."

My step dad response is bong hits & gas money, which is cool but not going to do much ultimately.

I haven't talked to my dad about any of this stuff. I need to, I just don't see the point.

the fire called the water in the kettle hot.

I just called my my Mom a mother fucker like 3 times and I'm completely sober.

She actually had the audacity to tell me that I needed to find the root of my "drinking problem" because she & my father were not big drinkers, so it didn't make sense to her. I can't remember a time since I found out that she smoked weed that my Mom hasn't been openly & admittedly high, drunk or on some pill she prescribed herself, unless she didn't have anything and then she was just violently angry.

As Erin would say, whatta bitch.

She wants to know why I'm a crazy party girl, because I learned from the best. Except I apparently can keep my shit together when I'm blacked out & wasted.. at least enough to fool other drunk people into thinking I'm okay to drive home.

I have incredibly poor judgement over how drunk I am when I'm out blowing off steam or when I'm just having a lot of fun with a bunch of people. I feel happy so I feel awake & on but then the tired comes and there's no getting around it.. I'm just wasted. The bottom line now is that I need to get my shit together and I really need to start caring more about myself or else I'm going to be just like everything I don't want to be, which is exactly what I am right now. At the same time, I'm applying so much knowledge & experience to my life and I think I'm heading in a good direction, its just getting ahead of myself and making stupid, expensive, ego/life bruising mistakes. I really can't do that shit anymore. Mistakes are one thing but you can only mess up a few times before its obvious you're pretty much just doing something & not giving a shit. I'm failing but I'm not a failure. I don't care if I lose cool points, I need to grow up.

Every passing moment is another chance to turn it all around.

The future has no memory.

Sanctuary.

I like my blog because from what I know its kind of a secret.. not a well kept one because there's a link to it on my myspace page but

[whoa creepiest sense of deja vu.. reading as I'm typing and then this wave of uncomfortable familiarity rolls over me.. ugh.]

Anyway, I like this blog. I like it because its an open forum that I can say whatever I want in and don't have to deal with a bunch of comments & no texts about if I'm ok or what I meant, etc. I'd like to think of myself as a pretty straight forward individual though trying to be polite has often clouded the vision of others and this is something I am only now coming to realize.

Today I have a dilemma.. 2 kind of but only 1 that kind of matters. You see I am a young adult. I am also a woman. I am also dating, which has proven to be a less than stellar series of events & mishaps. I just don't get men. I think I have tried to my whole life to no avail. Its strange because I was raised on terms of ladylike etiquette & the ideas of chivalry but at this current stage of my existence none of that matters. If you're a bitch dudes won't leave you alone. If you're a sweetheart they treat you like shit or not like "shit" but not well. Not like someone who is treating someone else nicely or like they want them around. I personally am really nice to people that I take the time to know & spend time with, that I'd like to spend more time with. This is not the case with my male peers. They are, for lack of better word, retarded. From my recent experiences all I can tell you is that pretty much anything goes. There are no spoken boundaries and I have yet to come to a wall. Unless you count assuming that you & someone were not talking anymore, as per your choice & skillful evasion tactics but then having to fulfill a date planned a month in advance. That's no wall. That's just awkward and that's the dilemma that is actually troubling me. I just don't get it. When you literally say to someone that you are not that girl in response to them saying they want you to be their girl and refuse or bail on any & all hang out attempts, where is the confusion? I don't see it. But no... things can't just die out gracefully. Now a night of not being someone's girlfriend and correcting everyone who says so. FML.

Dude, Karma is beautiful. All of my enemies & bad exes are apparently getting owned these days by life. Its like the universe is paying me a fierce solid and I am so down. This goes to show that vengeance is completely unnecessary and bitches get what's coming to them in the most entertaining of forms sometimes. I love that.

I have to go to work. I blame facebook for my scatterbrained posts. Its ok.

anger management..

so currently i'm sitting outside of the mac store waiting for one of these douche bags to help me despite the fact that we made the appt for an hour ago and when we called to say we were running late and they said it wouldn't be a problem. by we i mean me and by it wouldn't be a problem they meant you'll have to wait at least an hour & some guy who also doesn't want to be awake right now will be rude to you.

on the way to buy this inconvient little square on sunday, i was told i needed anger management. my response: why the fuck would you say that to me right now?

in retrospect i understand the suggestion. what i don't understand is why the world is so accepting of other human beings being virtually worthless. my thing is if you are not labelled disabled you should be just as competent as everyone else but i am not correct. no life is not that simple.

i'll come back to this. they're finally getting to me. thx jerks.

today in 24.

So I'm super stressed out. Life is astoundingly cyclic. So much that its often hard to keep up. But no matter what you have to do it. Stay on track. Follow the cycle. Go with the flow. Blah blah. It sucks but its just trouble not to do it. And its expensive!

Psycho therapist on Judge Joe Brown. Just before this show Judge Judy owned this dead beat dad. It was a good episode. She is normally a little to presumptuous & abrasive for me but she was on point that time.

I want to start a web show. I should say, I'm trying to start a web show. I'm really excited about it and a lot of really amazing people are involved. I've also been writing. So many random streams of thought. Its kind of cool. I just need to finish something I start.

I am a fool and I rush in. Think I'm actually over it all together. Apparently this theme of men in their twenties informally staking claim on you just because you sleep together but otherwise treat you as a buddy is not cool. Its not. Its annoying. What happened to dating? Oh everyone is stupid. And they wonder why women are crazy. I'm not crazy.. you're annoying. I mean I try to represent myself as a respectable young woman who is well on her way to getting her shit together.. no more no less. As said "respectable young woman" I want to be respected and treated like a lady [so to speak] and I want some GD chilvarly! And not just when you want something! Seriously.. do not deny that shit and I'm not expecting everything to have you representing your undenying love for me at every moment but can you please verbalize a little more? Like why do dudes have to be so tight lipped about stuff? Why are dudes like Vulcans? Waiting until it pretty much doesn't matter to be like "Oh wait.. I totally loved her." Dumb ass. I've become uncommonly unselective with dating too. It seems I have a strong connection with some but have this psycho analyzation-sketch-o-meter that just won't quit. And with others, its cool but it just doesn't seem to work. Its just a little awkward and uncomfortable beyond friendly hang outs and cuddling. Another trend I've recognized, a self indulgent need to antagonize women. All dudes ever talk about is how women are so complicated and emotional. Why would you antagonize that? What is fun about that? That's rude and unnecessary. I think its childish too. I just want to be content and I don't want to have to chase someone about or constantly seek them. I want someone to seek me and I don't want to have to tell them to do that. That is not something that should be coached. You either are that way or you're not, and even worse some people may have been that way at one point and then completely lost it. That's weak. Just like girls have to get over douche bag exes, men need to regain the ability to emote beyond sex and then pursuit of said sex because some girls need, like and really appreciate it.

I'm going to see Dragonforce tonight with Julie. I hope that its cool.

I believe a milk shake is necessary.

Rekindling Reality

Confession: my life has been an off & on ordeal for quite some time. I have great friends & awesome hobbies and all the potential in the world, so why am I here right now? The problem is not asking that question but continually asking it. That is not a rhetorical question. That question needs to be answered. I'm going to make a list of things that, I feel, have held me back in life:

1. bad friends
2. Woodbridge
3. family problems
4. alcohol
5. boys
6. self instated insecurities caused by all of the above
7. fear

1. bad friends- I have had an uncommonly large amount of shitty best friends. The one that stands out the most was my best friend throughout the 1st half of high school. We were more or less inseparable in 9th & 10th grade. She was seriously the coolest person I knew and unlike anyone I had ever met and not just on the outside. She was fun & creative and everything that I was too afraid of being. She made me feel like I could do anything because she made it seem like she could and there was nothing to it.

In 10th grade I liked 2 people, one being an old friend and another being a girl. When I asked her for her advice, she advised I stay away from both because there was no way I could date our friend and she knew I "wasn't really into girls." Instead, she suggested I start hanging out with this guy from the one social click that didn't really accept her. So I did and we started dating and we/she was in. All I remember was smoking tons of pot with these dudes and her doing everything in her power to entertain them but as soon as the weed was gone, so were they. The first major fight me & dude had, she suggested I do ecstasy with her. So I did. It was great. [FYI, giving ecstasy to a depressed teenager is probably the worst idea anyone could've ever had.] As the summer went on we did that drug a lot and then we both got jobs, I got my heart broken for a freshmen and worked all of the time to distract myself from my life. She started talking to this dude that was a friend of ours' friend, who tried to hang out with me at the beginning of the summer but since I was dating someone (a douche as he may have been but someone none the less) and he was (& is still) not attractive to me at all, I just blew him off. Buy mid first quarter junior year, they were inseparable and the person I knew for years was hiding in the shadows of this new conformed version of itself. Where did that super girly voice come from? Isn't that the girl from that other high school that we don't know but don't like because your boyfriend pays more attention & respect than you's hair cut? You want to go to prom now? Do I too need to fear the invasion of the body snatchers? Then she wrecked her car and soon after it was like we didn't know each other.

It wasn't losing my best friend to a bad relationship that got me because in reality I should have always known we were not best friends. She never called me her best friend. We spent every moment together for 2 years and conquered everything we crossed paths with but there was always this other girl who was her "best friend." No, it wasn't losing this friendship that bothered me. It wasn't until some time after graduating that I decided I would never speak to this person again. A day after having a big emotional outburst about my life turning to shit and how nothing that was before was then and blah blah blah, my Mum calls my Dad to talk to him about me and why we hadn't spoken in nearly 2 years. His response was my old best friend & her boyfriend told this kid who worked for him (& also went to our high school) that I was a prostitute and he couldn't deal with the idea of his only child living like that. .......My Dad thought that I was a fucking 16 year old prostitute and didn't talk to me for 2 years... missed my senior prom, high school graduation & everything.

Few people know this because even fewer people have met my father, but my Dad & his family are the reasons I am a good person, in any respect. My Mum is the reason I have a good personality & that I'm adventurous, but she is not responsible for much else besides telling me the worst thing a girl could do is develop a bad reputation, which did not help in this situation at all because how much worse can your reputation be after being called a prostitute.. in high school. That rumor took me away from my family and for that time in my life, they were what I needed. 6 years after high school, my father & I are still trying to put the pieces of our relationship together. Sifting through the years of accusations, disappointment & hurt feelings and recognizing that all of it was unnecessary bullshit, is a lot to swallow. And its really hard not to act out because you feel like you deserve something for what you lost & had to go through just because... because why?? Why would anyone do that? Why would someone make sure that someone's Dad heard that they were a prostitute?? I wanted to know the answer to this question so bad. More so I wanted some sort of reparation for the black hole that had manifested in my chest.

Those reparations recently came in the form of "I'm better than you now." One of those 3 guys that I ranted about in an earlier post is an amateur photographer who is working on a portfolio so that he can become a professional photographer. I've modeled for him & I know the dude obviously and he doesn't pay his models.. not yet anyway. Ex best friend definitely posed naked for him a couple of weeks ago. Hilariously enough, she's wearing a gas mask in the picture, which may have been for artistry but I'll be a cunt and say she is not a very pretty girl.. bag your face. What's more hilarious to me is nude models with big distinctive tattoos that think covering their face is going to stop someone from recognizing them. I mean really.. how many people, let alone girls, do you know with a jungle themed sleeve?? Here are my reparations, there is no proof that I was ever a prostitute because I was not ever a prostitute. And if I was why did I always have a job in high school? And furthermore most compare prostitution to heroin, you do it once you can't quit... in that case, why am I so broke now?? If I was cool with the hoe train, bet your ass I'd jump right on it but I am not. However, there is no denying that she takes free naked pictures for people to put on the internet on free to view sites. There is also no denying that something through her back into her place. This has made me a believer in that if nothing else what goes around will come back around in a way that is just satisfying enough for you. Do not step in to adjust fate because you may just create bad karma for yourself. Trust in the fact that the universe has got you & everyone else and it will make things right, one way or another.

2-5 are easy to some up but will have to wait.

This is my letter to Paramore.

girls in short dresses.

I went through a huge riot grrl phase when I was 16. I cut obnoxious short boxy bangs into my hair & always wore it in a ponytail as to accentuate them, I later cut all of my hair off in a Marylou Retton-esque style... in my defense it was supposed to look more like Gwyneth Paltrow circa Sliding Doors and with the bangs and my Dad's ex fiancee being a drunk mess & sucking at hair (should've known when she quit the salon for Food Lion..) it just wasn't meant to be. My Napster account was chalk full of Le Tigre, Bikini Kill, L7, etc and I was on the Wau Wau Sisters e-mail list and they totally messaged me back this one time when I responded to a message and it was totally awesome.. it was really light & airy, I totally could've gone to NYC & probably hung out with them.. FML. lol. The truth is no I couldn't have, I was 16-17.. now? Maybe, who knows? Probably not but if I were 24 in 2001.. definitely... Dumb. This was also the first time I dated a girl. We held hands & kissed on the cheek and we slept in the same bed once & fell asleep watching movies that we got at the video store with her uber conservative Mom, which included But I'm a Cheerleader. We were in love. We didn't care who knew it. I believe 2, maybe 3, weeks later I was dating some guy who would later cheat on me but only after making it waaayy too easy to get waaayy too fucked up every day of the summer before 11th grade. We went to McDonald's for homecoming. We had matching platinum blond hair.. I'm actually blond but that's when Eminem was really cool, so when I lightened mine he did too. (Wow...)

Anyway, I also got into Feminism. I was really compelled by the efforts made by the women that had come before me and inspired me to get through my own life because of the things that those women went through so that it would only be as hard as it is now for me to get through it now. And I appreciate that because life sucks and if it sucked any worse, some times I don't know what I would do. However, just like a lot of earth & political issues, I got over it because of alot of confrontational activism. I'm really not into that. I feel like there are different ways of going about being heard and people will actually listen.

PLZ hold.

K, back. I had to leave to go to Salon and get my hair colored.

With that said, I was wondering a couple of months back about the significance of Feminism in our current society and here's my conclusion: there would basically be no need for Feminism anymore if dudes would stop being presumptuous douche bags. Case & point: a fierce girl wearing a hot dress & heels just to hang out with a friend and then go to work.. does she or does she not want to sleep with him?? You may assume she does, in which case, you are wrong. First of all, read that question again and then start to open up to obvious factors, obvious factors being the things that a non closed minded person would see first glance. A. she is going to hang out with a friend, not a "friend" or a friend with benefits, just a friend B. she is going to work after so she looks good for work and C. she's fierce.. of course she's wearing some hot outfit and no it isn't for that dude, its because she looks awesome.

I have to cut this one short and organize my thoughts. I just got laid off for no good reason and considering the last 2 things I've heard about my boss were that he attacked a porn star at a college night at another bar and that he planned on getting rid of all of the straights & lesbians at our bar (well, not mine obviously but w/e).... I'm really thrown off. And I love how I find out about not having a job anymore via fucking facebook, just like how I found out about having a new boss, just like how I found out about all of the changes actually... really professional.

Here's to being a jobless adult in this economy. FML.

sucka MCs & alcohol..

Waking up to Married with Children. I have been setting myself up for a miserable marriage such as this since I started dating, this is something I recognize only today. I have horrible taste in men. In fact, I think me liking some of the guys I have dated has further solidified their douche baggery. Its really hard to get a grasp on my generation's men. They are all over the place. My mother says I should date older men.. old dudes creep me out. I just want to date a nice guy with a spine. Openly flawed but confident in their own skin. Honest. Real. And when a girl says she's looking for a relationship, don't tell her you love her prematurely and then decide you want to take things slow.

I am obsessive. I need closure. I need things to have a beginning and an end. I don't want to deal with "the one who got away" ever. You're either here or you're not and we both know the details of our parting if you're not. That way there's no bullshit gossip or mystery, even though it appears that there will always be that drama with some. And that's ok. Some clearly don't realize what women & Woodbridge are capable of.. especially with our mouths.

Last thing about d bags before I switch topics. I assume that some girls are dumb enough to fall for dumb shit & antics. I am not. I am fucking Angela Lansbury, ok? Even if I don't want to assume the worst my subconscious will do it for me and send me a memo. I am unfoolable. Now if I could just be unfuckoverable, rather I could just drop this one horrid quality of only child syndrome. Sometimes you just need to be over it. No piece of ass is worth it and there might just be someone who isn't going to be a dick to me all of the time, and they might actually be attractive and actually have their shit together VS only attractive because of their initial personality and only have their shit together in theory, like me when I worked at HT, all attitude with nothing to really back it but a cool hobby & a full time job. Doctor..... ::insert scoff here::

So I've given up on DC and partying there. I don't know if its the times but everyone is hardcore balls to the wall all of the time. I can't hang. I'm glad too. Its been really refreshing. I know people are a little bored with me but those people are alcoholics & terrible influences. I got a DUI recently and my first thought was "I have to tell my kids that I got a DUI now." That's awful to me. The worst part is I've been going down this path for a while now. I should've gotten in trouble or died a long time ago, and why? Because I could handle it. Obviously not anymore or at all really. I am not a good drunk. I blackout really easily and there is no changing that. My tolerance does not increase. I'm like 110 lbs, I can't metabolize more than 4 drinks in a night and that's the max which can actually decrease depending on what I'm drinking.

Its hard to believe 5 years ago I truly believed I would never touch another drop of alcohol or any other substance for that matter. Life back then was awesome though. My life was how it should be. I worked and went to shows. I worked so I could go to show & do fun stuff. Now I work so I can try to pay my bills & so I can drink to forget how stupid life is. And its cliched as fuck, but the answer is not at the bottom of any bottle. I know that, how did I forget that? Bad influences. Now that I'm well into my 20's this can't happen anymore. And fuck everyone anyway. Fuck coolness too. I blame a lot of things that are obsolete because I am 24 and completely responsible for myself. Its good to know why things went down the way they did, no matter how bullshit the reasoning is, at least there was a reason and it wasn't entirely my fault, which for someone like me is a really good thing because I would rip myself apart otherwise.

The Jonas Brothers cover of Shania Twain's "I'm gonna getcha good" makes me want to lock them in the back of salon & turn them into sex slaves.. I don't have a salon... failure.

I love Music Choice.

I love a few things..

I am an asshole but I kind of feel like you need to be, especially when people are such assholes. Like be good to the ones you know are good to you. Be polite & courteous to mostly everyone because you shouldn't impose on anyone else's life just because. Seriously, can't tell you how many people need to be told to get & keep their shit together, so give a little get a little and keep yours in tact. Lord knows I needed to be told to do so.

I just hate being so pissed & upset when all I need is the smallest thing but apparently the smallest things to me are more than most can bare. I am the smallest 50 ft woman in the world.

Late Afternoon Confession

The truth about me, that has only become clear to me in the past few days, is that I am a sucker. When I was younger I was too old for my age. I am not good at being 24. I am too naive, idealistic & blindly hopeful, what I previously referred to as "old fashioned/traditional," for this. Its like I've figured that just because I grew out of something or learned something, that everyone else did too. This is not true.

A friend and I were talking about a particular relationship issue today. Neither of us could wrap our heads around why significant others/people who say "I love you" to you when hanging out with members of the opposite sex that you either are A. uncomfortable with or B. don't know about, that some how you are inexplicably completely unable to get a hold of them or they always forget to call when they say the will (or just should in my case.) What is that? It seems like common sense that someone would show their love interest at least the respect of not having them worry about you when you're generally someone they can easily get a hold of. If nothing else show them the courtesy of not inconveniencing their whole day. And furthermore, these people always have the audacity of brushing these issues off like its nothing, thus increasing the disrespect. It isn't you with the negative emotions, jerk. My friend & I both felt we are the type of people that when something really bothers our loved one we will do what we can to change that, regardless of how big or small we feel it is. I mean clearly its important enough to them to talk about it, so it must be important to them. Why not show that same respect?

Also, the days of saying "I love you" to get girls in bed are dead & gone. If you're only down to fuck, just keep it friendly a/o just say it, you'd be surprised at just how emotionally detached most females are these days. Let this be a PSA to the men of the world.

Baking muffins for yourself

If you have a plan with someone and they bail/flake do you go through with the plan without them? I do sometimes. Like right now. I'm not even to be hungry by the time they're done. Ha.. what is that? I feel like baking myself muffins instead of just putting some cereal & milk in a bowl makes me a spiteful person and that just seems ridiculous. Maybe I'm just thorough. Who knows?

David Archuleta creeps me out.

I really can't wait for the summer.

I am a music maker.. a dreamer of dreams..

I have random bouts of insomnia every now & again. Last night was one of those times. It was cool though. I was finally able to piece together an entire song using all of my different writing sources (journal, mini notepad, cell notes, private myspace blog, etc.) I'm pretty proud of myself. There is a strong & consistent structure throughout, which I'm really stoked about because I am notoriously scatterbrained. Leaps & bounds man. As I was typing about my about my lack of self motivation I got a little mad at myself because its that attitude that's held me back. The bottom line for me in all of this is the fact that there isn't anyone doing anything for me, so why am I waiting for someone to do something for? Whether its because I hang out with the wrong people or I'm just completely in the wrong place, you are irregular if you do not have a selfish motive for any & every thing you do. And on top of that we have all lost the most amazing of human evolutionary qualities, self awareness.
[ 3 of many things I will continually touch base on:
-Self Awareness
-Presumption & assumption
-the annoyance that is love]
The audacity that most of us have formed is uncanny. Hypocrisy & the projection of emotion go hand in hand. The satisfaction from the actions formed from these displays is short lived & has no long term fulfillment too, but I can't name one person who hasn't displayed them. What I've noticed is that people seem to assume someone is doing something (i.e. hanging out with other potential love interests, sleeping with multiple partners, shopping around, etc) therefore they too should continue to seek out other options. What's sad is I also can't think of anyone who doesn't continually claim to "just want that someone." How do you expect to even try to completely give yourself to someone when you're spread so thin that your sincerity & genuineness are borderline transparent and all of your lines are delivered with the precision of a trained actor.

Did I miss the rehearsal? No, this is life. It is exactly what it is, unless its planned and predetermined. A plan forged from an uneducated idea with only selfish & manipulative intent. You get the prize but what does the prize get? You? A selfish, manipulative hypocrite that used the idea of fate to their benefit? You can have my nod of respect, for your mind games are far beyond any of those I have ever witnessed before, but nothing more.

I'm personally holding out until something opaque comes my way. And when we can't get around or over each other, that'll be it. No tests. No games. No guessing. No fighting or working for it. Just reality & common ground. We will conquer the world.. who ever you are.

Decompression-An Unnecessary Art

Decompression is a funny thing.. to me anyways. The thing about growing up the way I did is that you don't realize what's happened until it stops happening and you don't realize something is wrong until you learn what is commonly right. I don't believe I was ever a child. I perfected the arts of education by observation & rationalization as I learned to speak and learned to withstand the perils of strength before I knew what it was. I was 23 for 24 years. Its taken me this long to get where I am and looking over everything I am continually disappointed with my progress. All the while analyzing & reanalyzing the past & continuing trials, tribulations and mixed up memories. A friend of mine describes these flourishes of thought as "bubbles." I think of them as a eruptions because their impact is far more emotionally detrimental than that of a bubble.

Being 24 without a career or a husband or a child but with "all the potential in the world" is a very awkward place. Viewing most of the world as conquerable but everything you actually want as overwhelmingly terrifying & unattainable is discouraging. Realizing in your mid 20's that you're not sure you want to be the person you've turned yourself into and attempting to change the opinions of ill opinioned, over middle aged conservative America is exhausting and so is battling the world along with yourself & everyone involved.

"What are you doing with your life?" Good question, sir/ madam/intrigued individual. I have no idea really. I really don't care. I want to be happy and when I am mature & settled enough a human being I hope to take on a career that will service the world in some wonderfully helpful way but that time is not now. Just like I want to be an amazing wife & mother and God willing one day I will but that time has not come.. neither has a spouse or the prospect there of for that matter. I say that with a lot of attitude at this moment because the tale that is as old as time, men are stupid. My personal version of the novel began in 1991 when I was banned from the bus for 2 weeks for kicking a boy in the face. This particular boy would begin a neverending parade of insecure men that would assume that just because they felt a certain way about me, that I would (of course) feel the same way for them and we would be in love as true soulmates, never to part. This theory is ridiculous to me and very off putting. Presumption is obsurd in matters of emotion. And with that said, I am a fool. Which brings us to my other typical type, that is luckily a rare and eclipse like occurance. Effortlessly striking & entrancing, some mysterious quality, casually charming & paralyzingly attractive and stealthily sadistic & manipulative. Maybe I'm a gluton for punishment but I'm also a quick study and the more experience I gain the more conveluted & complicated the situations become.

I've dated 3 guys in the past 5 months (I use the term "dated" extremely loosely.) Guy 1-dream within a dream-epic to unnecessary to terrifying to chill to repulsive. Guy 2-infamous aquarian-different to sketchy to strangely likeable to annoyingly comical and something to pay attention to out of spite & the need for balance. Guy 3 (which is only listed for honorable mention & it was pretty dishonorable but w/e) "replacing the dream" a joke-personal fulfillment-laughable to cute to hot to lackluster to completely disappointing to absolutely nothing, in record time might I add. And all the while I have these "fellow" helpless romantics seeking me out (online because that is apparently the only suitable way to become involved-romanticly or otherwise-with someone these days) and here I sit high a top my pedastal with no regard for these suiters because I do not want a man to grovel for my affections. I want them taken from me and replaced with the relentless love of another. It is no secret that I am in love with love, I'm just waiting for love to be in love with me. I am lost without that fulfillment. Blame the parental issues but it is reality regardless. I am not self motivated. I need something to want to be better for. And yes, I know I should be enough or that I should recognize that creating a better future for myself now will benefit whatever or whomever my future holds but its really taking a while for that to sink in & really take an effect on my existence.

Decompression though, its funny because it takes so long and when over 2 decades overdue you have to recognize that if you would've been like everyone else and let it go as it came or just let it roll off instead of absorbing it, you wouldn't need to be going through this entire process now. Peeling back layer after layer of damaged humanity, each more vulnerable & seemingly permanent than the last. Recognizing that the world can't see the stories written under my skin and that the future has no memory to hold the past against me. But with every thing I let go of, another supressed memory, fear or emotion comes up. Its like psychological Tetris. But I am dealing.

I'm hoping this blog will make it easier for me to become extroverted enough to share my inner creativity. The contents of my brain could create a pair of rose colored glasses large enough for the world to share and I think its time we all get a different view.