Rekindling Reality

Confession: my life has been an off & on ordeal for quite some time. I have great friends & awesome hobbies and all the potential in the world, so why am I here right now? The problem is not asking that question but continually asking it. That is not a rhetorical question. That question needs to be answered. I'm going to make a list of things that, I feel, have held me back in life:

1. bad friends
2. Woodbridge
3. family problems
4. alcohol
5. boys
6. self instated insecurities caused by all of the above
7. fear

1. bad friends- I have had an uncommonly large amount of shitty best friends. The one that stands out the most was my best friend throughout the 1st half of high school. We were more or less inseparable in 9th & 10th grade. She was seriously the coolest person I knew and unlike anyone I had ever met and not just on the outside. She was fun & creative and everything that I was too afraid of being. She made me feel like I could do anything because she made it seem like she could and there was nothing to it.

In 10th grade I liked 2 people, one being an old friend and another being a girl. When I asked her for her advice, she advised I stay away from both because there was no way I could date our friend and she knew I "wasn't really into girls." Instead, she suggested I start hanging out with this guy from the one social click that didn't really accept her. So I did and we started dating and we/she was in. All I remember was smoking tons of pot with these dudes and her doing everything in her power to entertain them but as soon as the weed was gone, so were they. The first major fight me & dude had, she suggested I do ecstasy with her. So I did. It was great. [FYI, giving ecstasy to a depressed teenager is probably the worst idea anyone could've ever had.] As the summer went on we did that drug a lot and then we both got jobs, I got my heart broken for a freshmen and worked all of the time to distract myself from my life. She started talking to this dude that was a friend of ours' friend, who tried to hang out with me at the beginning of the summer but since I was dating someone (a douche as he may have been but someone none the less) and he was (& is still) not attractive to me at all, I just blew him off. Buy mid first quarter junior year, they were inseparable and the person I knew for years was hiding in the shadows of this new conformed version of itself. Where did that super girly voice come from? Isn't that the girl from that other high school that we don't know but don't like because your boyfriend pays more attention & respect than you's hair cut? You want to go to prom now? Do I too need to fear the invasion of the body snatchers? Then she wrecked her car and soon after it was like we didn't know each other.

It wasn't losing my best friend to a bad relationship that got me because in reality I should have always known we were not best friends. She never called me her best friend. We spent every moment together for 2 years and conquered everything we crossed paths with but there was always this other girl who was her "best friend." No, it wasn't losing this friendship that bothered me. It wasn't until some time after graduating that I decided I would never speak to this person again. A day after having a big emotional outburst about my life turning to shit and how nothing that was before was then and blah blah blah, my Mum calls my Dad to talk to him about me and why we hadn't spoken in nearly 2 years. His response was my old best friend & her boyfriend told this kid who worked for him (& also went to our high school) that I was a prostitute and he couldn't deal with the idea of his only child living like that. .......My Dad thought that I was a fucking 16 year old prostitute and didn't talk to me for 2 years... missed my senior prom, high school graduation & everything.

Few people know this because even fewer people have met my father, but my Dad & his family are the reasons I am a good person, in any respect. My Mum is the reason I have a good personality & that I'm adventurous, but she is not responsible for much else besides telling me the worst thing a girl could do is develop a bad reputation, which did not help in this situation at all because how much worse can your reputation be after being called a prostitute.. in high school. That rumor took me away from my family and for that time in my life, they were what I needed. 6 years after high school, my father & I are still trying to put the pieces of our relationship together. Sifting through the years of accusations, disappointment & hurt feelings and recognizing that all of it was unnecessary bullshit, is a lot to swallow. And its really hard not to act out because you feel like you deserve something for what you lost & had to go through just because... because why?? Why would anyone do that? Why would someone make sure that someone's Dad heard that they were a prostitute?? I wanted to know the answer to this question so bad. More so I wanted some sort of reparation for the black hole that had manifested in my chest.

Those reparations recently came in the form of "I'm better than you now." One of those 3 guys that I ranted about in an earlier post is an amateur photographer who is working on a portfolio so that he can become a professional photographer. I've modeled for him & I know the dude obviously and he doesn't pay his models.. not yet anyway. Ex best friend definitely posed naked for him a couple of weeks ago. Hilariously enough, she's wearing a gas mask in the picture, which may have been for artistry but I'll be a cunt and say she is not a very pretty girl.. bag your face. What's more hilarious to me is nude models with big distinctive tattoos that think covering their face is going to stop someone from recognizing them. I mean really.. how many people, let alone girls, do you know with a jungle themed sleeve?? Here are my reparations, there is no proof that I was ever a prostitute because I was not ever a prostitute. And if I was why did I always have a job in high school? And furthermore most compare prostitution to heroin, you do it once you can't quit... in that case, why am I so broke now?? If I was cool with the hoe train, bet your ass I'd jump right on it but I am not. However, there is no denying that she takes free naked pictures for people to put on the internet on free to view sites. There is also no denying that something through her back into her place. This has made me a believer in that if nothing else what goes around will come back around in a way that is just satisfying enough for you. Do not step in to adjust fate because you may just create bad karma for yourself. Trust in the fact that the universe has got you & everyone else and it will make things right, one way or another.

2-5 are easy to some up but will have to wait.