the fire called the water in the kettle hot.

I just called my my Mom a mother fucker like 3 times and I'm completely sober.

She actually had the audacity to tell me that I needed to find the root of my "drinking problem" because she & my father were not big drinkers, so it didn't make sense to her. I can't remember a time since I found out that she smoked weed that my Mom hasn't been openly & admittedly high, drunk or on some pill she prescribed herself, unless she didn't have anything and then she was just violently angry.

As Erin would say, whatta bitch.

She wants to know why I'm a crazy party girl, because I learned from the best. Except I apparently can keep my shit together when I'm blacked out & wasted.. at least enough to fool other drunk people into thinking I'm okay to drive home.

I have incredibly poor judgement over how drunk I am when I'm out blowing off steam or when I'm just having a lot of fun with a bunch of people. I feel happy so I feel awake & on but then the tired comes and there's no getting around it.. I'm just wasted. The bottom line now is that I need to get my shit together and I really need to start caring more about myself or else I'm going to be just like everything I don't want to be, which is exactly what I am right now. At the same time, I'm applying so much knowledge & experience to my life and I think I'm heading in a good direction, its just getting ahead of myself and making stupid, expensive, ego/life bruising mistakes. I really can't do that shit anymore. Mistakes are one thing but you can only mess up a few times before its obvious you're pretty much just doing something & not giving a shit. I'm failing but I'm not a failure. I don't care if I lose cool points, I need to grow up.

Every passing moment is another chance to turn it all around.

The future has no memory.

Sanctuary.

I like my blog because from what I know its kind of a secret.. not a well kept one because there's a link to it on my myspace page but

[whoa creepiest sense of deja vu.. reading as I'm typing and then this wave of uncomfortable familiarity rolls over me.. ugh.]

Anyway, I like this blog. I like it because its an open forum that I can say whatever I want in and don't have to deal with a bunch of comments & no texts about if I'm ok or what I meant, etc. I'd like to think of myself as a pretty straight forward individual though trying to be polite has often clouded the vision of others and this is something I am only now coming to realize.

Today I have a dilemma.. 2 kind of but only 1 that kind of matters. You see I am a young adult. I am also a woman. I am also dating, which has proven to be a less than stellar series of events & mishaps. I just don't get men. I think I have tried to my whole life to no avail. Its strange because I was raised on terms of ladylike etiquette & the ideas of chivalry but at this current stage of my existence none of that matters. If you're a bitch dudes won't leave you alone. If you're a sweetheart they treat you like shit or not like "shit" but not well. Not like someone who is treating someone else nicely or like they want them around. I personally am really nice to people that I take the time to know & spend time with, that I'd like to spend more time with. This is not the case with my male peers. They are, for lack of better word, retarded. From my recent experiences all I can tell you is that pretty much anything goes. There are no spoken boundaries and I have yet to come to a wall. Unless you count assuming that you & someone were not talking anymore, as per your choice & skillful evasion tactics but then having to fulfill a date planned a month in advance. That's no wall. That's just awkward and that's the dilemma that is actually troubling me. I just don't get it. When you literally say to someone that you are not that girl in response to them saying they want you to be their girl and refuse or bail on any & all hang out attempts, where is the confusion? I don't see it. But no... things can't just die out gracefully. Now a night of not being someone's girlfriend and correcting everyone who says so. FML.

Dude, Karma is beautiful. All of my enemies & bad exes are apparently getting owned these days by life. Its like the universe is paying me a fierce solid and I am so down. This goes to show that vengeance is completely unnecessary and bitches get what's coming to them in the most entertaining of forms sometimes. I love that.

I have to go to work. I blame facebook for my scatterbrained posts. Its ok.

anger management..

so currently i'm sitting outside of the mac store waiting for one of these douche bags to help me despite the fact that we made the appt for an hour ago and when we called to say we were running late and they said it wouldn't be a problem. by we i mean me and by it wouldn't be a problem they meant you'll have to wait at least an hour & some guy who also doesn't want to be awake right now will be rude to you.

on the way to buy this inconvient little square on sunday, i was told i needed anger management. my response: why the fuck would you say that to me right now?

in retrospect i understand the suggestion. what i don't understand is why the world is so accepting of other human beings being virtually worthless. my thing is if you are not labelled disabled you should be just as competent as everyone else but i am not correct. no life is not that simple.

i'll come back to this. they're finally getting to me. thx jerks.

today in 24.

So I'm super stressed out. Life is astoundingly cyclic. So much that its often hard to keep up. But no matter what you have to do it. Stay on track. Follow the cycle. Go with the flow. Blah blah. It sucks but its just trouble not to do it. And its expensive!

Psycho therapist on Judge Joe Brown. Just before this show Judge Judy owned this dead beat dad. It was a good episode. She is normally a little to presumptuous & abrasive for me but she was on point that time.

I want to start a web show. I should say, I'm trying to start a web show. I'm really excited about it and a lot of really amazing people are involved. I've also been writing. So many random streams of thought. Its kind of cool. I just need to finish something I start.

I am a fool and I rush in. Think I'm actually over it all together. Apparently this theme of men in their twenties informally staking claim on you just because you sleep together but otherwise treat you as a buddy is not cool. Its not. Its annoying. What happened to dating? Oh everyone is stupid. And they wonder why women are crazy. I'm not crazy.. you're annoying. I mean I try to represent myself as a respectable young woman who is well on her way to getting her shit together.. no more no less. As said "respectable young woman" I want to be respected and treated like a lady [so to speak] and I want some GD chilvarly! And not just when you want something! Seriously.. do not deny that shit and I'm not expecting everything to have you representing your undenying love for me at every moment but can you please verbalize a little more? Like why do dudes have to be so tight lipped about stuff? Why are dudes like Vulcans? Waiting until it pretty much doesn't matter to be like "Oh wait.. I totally loved her." Dumb ass. I've become uncommonly unselective with dating too. It seems I have a strong connection with some but have this psycho analyzation-sketch-o-meter that just won't quit. And with others, its cool but it just doesn't seem to work. Its just a little awkward and uncomfortable beyond friendly hang outs and cuddling. Another trend I've recognized, a self indulgent need to antagonize women. All dudes ever talk about is how women are so complicated and emotional. Why would you antagonize that? What is fun about that? That's rude and unnecessary. I think its childish too. I just want to be content and I don't want to have to chase someone about or constantly seek them. I want someone to seek me and I don't want to have to tell them to do that. That is not something that should be coached. You either are that way or you're not, and even worse some people may have been that way at one point and then completely lost it. That's weak. Just like girls have to get over douche bag exes, men need to regain the ability to emote beyond sex and then pursuit of said sex because some girls need, like and really appreciate it.

I'm going to see Dragonforce tonight with Julie. I hope that its cool.

I believe a milk shake is necessary.

Rekindling Reality

Confession: my life has been an off & on ordeal for quite some time. I have great friends & awesome hobbies and all the potential in the world, so why am I here right now? The problem is not asking that question but continually asking it. That is not a rhetorical question. That question needs to be answered. I'm going to make a list of things that, I feel, have held me back in life:

1. bad friends
2. Woodbridge
3. family problems
4. alcohol
5. boys
6. self instated insecurities caused by all of the above
7. fear

1. bad friends- I have had an uncommonly large amount of shitty best friends. The one that stands out the most was my best friend throughout the 1st half of high school. We were more or less inseparable in 9th & 10th grade. She was seriously the coolest person I knew and unlike anyone I had ever met and not just on the outside. She was fun & creative and everything that I was too afraid of being. She made me feel like I could do anything because she made it seem like she could and there was nothing to it.

In 10th grade I liked 2 people, one being an old friend and another being a girl. When I asked her for her advice, she advised I stay away from both because there was no way I could date our friend and she knew I "wasn't really into girls." Instead, she suggested I start hanging out with this guy from the one social click that didn't really accept her. So I did and we started dating and we/she was in. All I remember was smoking tons of pot with these dudes and her doing everything in her power to entertain them but as soon as the weed was gone, so were they. The first major fight me & dude had, she suggested I do ecstasy with her. So I did. It was great. [FYI, giving ecstasy to a depressed teenager is probably the worst idea anyone could've ever had.] As the summer went on we did that drug a lot and then we both got jobs, I got my heart broken for a freshmen and worked all of the time to distract myself from my life. She started talking to this dude that was a friend of ours' friend, who tried to hang out with me at the beginning of the summer but since I was dating someone (a douche as he may have been but someone none the less) and he was (& is still) not attractive to me at all, I just blew him off. Buy mid first quarter junior year, they were inseparable and the person I knew for years was hiding in the shadows of this new conformed version of itself. Where did that super girly voice come from? Isn't that the girl from that other high school that we don't know but don't like because your boyfriend pays more attention & respect than you's hair cut? You want to go to prom now? Do I too need to fear the invasion of the body snatchers? Then she wrecked her car and soon after it was like we didn't know each other.

It wasn't losing my best friend to a bad relationship that got me because in reality I should have always known we were not best friends. She never called me her best friend. We spent every moment together for 2 years and conquered everything we crossed paths with but there was always this other girl who was her "best friend." No, it wasn't losing this friendship that bothered me. It wasn't until some time after graduating that I decided I would never speak to this person again. A day after having a big emotional outburst about my life turning to shit and how nothing that was before was then and blah blah blah, my Mum calls my Dad to talk to him about me and why we hadn't spoken in nearly 2 years. His response was my old best friend & her boyfriend told this kid who worked for him (& also went to our high school) that I was a prostitute and he couldn't deal with the idea of his only child living like that. .......My Dad thought that I was a fucking 16 year old prostitute and didn't talk to me for 2 years... missed my senior prom, high school graduation & everything.

Few people know this because even fewer people have met my father, but my Dad & his family are the reasons I am a good person, in any respect. My Mum is the reason I have a good personality & that I'm adventurous, but she is not responsible for much else besides telling me the worst thing a girl could do is develop a bad reputation, which did not help in this situation at all because how much worse can your reputation be after being called a prostitute.. in high school. That rumor took me away from my family and for that time in my life, they were what I needed. 6 years after high school, my father & I are still trying to put the pieces of our relationship together. Sifting through the years of accusations, disappointment & hurt feelings and recognizing that all of it was unnecessary bullshit, is a lot to swallow. And its really hard not to act out because you feel like you deserve something for what you lost & had to go through just because... because why?? Why would anyone do that? Why would someone make sure that someone's Dad heard that they were a prostitute?? I wanted to know the answer to this question so bad. More so I wanted some sort of reparation for the black hole that had manifested in my chest.

Those reparations recently came in the form of "I'm better than you now." One of those 3 guys that I ranted about in an earlier post is an amateur photographer who is working on a portfolio so that he can become a professional photographer. I've modeled for him & I know the dude obviously and he doesn't pay his models.. not yet anyway. Ex best friend definitely posed naked for him a couple of weeks ago. Hilariously enough, she's wearing a gas mask in the picture, which may have been for artistry but I'll be a cunt and say she is not a very pretty girl.. bag your face. What's more hilarious to me is nude models with big distinctive tattoos that think covering their face is going to stop someone from recognizing them. I mean really.. how many people, let alone girls, do you know with a jungle themed sleeve?? Here are my reparations, there is no proof that I was ever a prostitute because I was not ever a prostitute. And if I was why did I always have a job in high school? And furthermore most compare prostitution to heroin, you do it once you can't quit... in that case, why am I so broke now?? If I was cool with the hoe train, bet your ass I'd jump right on it but I am not. However, there is no denying that she takes free naked pictures for people to put on the internet on free to view sites. There is also no denying that something through her back into her place. This has made me a believer in that if nothing else what goes around will come back around in a way that is just satisfying enough for you. Do not step in to adjust fate because you may just create bad karma for yourself. Trust in the fact that the universe has got you & everyone else and it will make things right, one way or another.

2-5 are easy to some up but will have to wait.