weight.

the most difficult battles i've had to fight are depression and now apathy & the need to be destructive. my ability to care is lost in a sea of anger, self pity & self loathing.

i need for something to change. i need a savior.

The difference between good & bad friends

So I have made no secrets about my recent unpleasant events. This is mainly because I need everyone that plays a consistent role in my life to understand where I'm at and where I don't need to be right now. It looks as though I really need to cut most of the people I've met over the past 6-7 months out of my life. Fortunately not working at the bar has done that for me. So has the rumor that I still work there, which is funny that people hate the place so much, that they'd refuse to speak to someone for still working there. I can't say I blame you but I also can't say I feel the same way because I do love a couple people who decided to stick around and there won't be a time that I don't think they are great & worthwhile people, plus I understand the times and everyone's gotta make a paycheck.

To continue on my initial train of thought, I have to tell you the reason that more or less slapped me across the face and made me sit down and evaluate myself & the situations I put myself into. Like I said in my previous post, the friends who have been supporting me are amazing. Helping me sort things out, dissecting issues & causes and not just saying "it'll be okay" but actually helping me seek ways out, which I'm sure is weird for some people because I am generally the voice of reason & guidance for a lot of the people I know. I am eternally grateful for the reality that has been bestowed upon me and the strong individuals in my life that make it worth living.

So what's the reason? Where's the slap? Its not in any of the above. No. Not at all. The reason was telling another friend about this problem I've developed and their response being, "Girl.. I told you if you were gonna be drinking & driving like that, that you'd better be doing some coke.." The rest doesn't even matter. What sort of advice is that?? Is this actual logic? Where did this logic come from? And how was it justified to the point that it could be thrown around as actual advice? I was beside myself for days over this. Searching for the punch line that would never come because this person was dead serious when they said it.

The idea that life has become this trite entity that we should dangle upon a string over whatever fatal ending we can conjure up in an evening and we should figure out how to make that string as thin as it can possibly be paralyzes my brain. I can't tell you what a relief it is to know that my safety net is rock bottom enough for me and while everything I will have to deal with in the coming months because of the stupid mistakes I have made is undoubtedly going to suck. I am prepared for it and I'm ready for everything that waits on the other side because anything is better than looking back.

Don't say anything, if you have nothing nice to say.

life.

As I sit here scoffing to myself about the current status & events in mine, I don't feel the same way I did before. I do not have the ability to drop the ball at this point in my life. Even worse, I just realized when & why I dropped it for real. I'd like to take the time to be floored but I do not have the time to grant that ability. I am freaked out. My friends are being really supportive & helpful but my brain keeps scrambling back to "fuuuck.."

However, for the first time, I really do feel like people are standing beside me, coexisting and recognizing things that I refuse to recognize or accept because I am too afraid to be vulnerable. The 2 most impacting recently were my step dad bringing up my dad completely bailing on me for San Diego last year a week after telling me I could move there with him a month "or so" later and the other being Erin understanding the fact that I've kept my hands busy with everyone else's problems & always seemed so happy but its all just been a distraction. The truth is I am pissed at my father. My mother is a fucking bitch, but she stuck around even though she probably should have just let someone take me from her too, she drug me right along with her. I believe it was out of spite & pride due to losing my sister to her dad's family because I have known my entire life that she did not want another girl and when I came out, she immediately decided to never have kids again. Whether she admits this or not, through all of the anger I've had thrown my way from her, I know she didn't want me. I also know having me severely altered the life she had planned for herself, which blows but shit happens.

But my dad, its so hard to deal with him & how I feel about him. From what I see, he & my mother had different ideas of how their marriage was going to go down and then I came along. I love my dad. When I was a kid, he was the greatest person in my life and that was probably because nothing bad ever happened when I was around him. Until he started dating. Something I can tell you about my dad, he likes crazy bitches. I haven't met his current girlfriend but every other one was crazy or they were completely incompetent in all things to do with adult life or both. As I'm typing this I'm realizing that I've turned myself into one of those women my dad always went after and consequently, bailed on me for. Except I don't have kids. They always had kids. Three of them had kids that he decided to take care of and he did, more so than he did me during those times.

Here's my thing, I started out on this long personal journey about 2 years ago and I decided to get passed all of the things I had held against my family & to develop a better relationship with them. Now I am on the other side of it and now I know all of the stuff that I thought was total bullshit & ruined my life was in fact total bullshit & really fucked up my life. Like I thanked my mom for having the intuition to know that I was really weirded out by this guy she had babysit me & to take me out of the situation. Now, no because if it weren't for her and her horrendous taste in people, that fucked up creepy old man would have never been my babysitter and I would have never had to see him in his underwear or lay in a fucking bed with him. His name was Randall for Christ's sake.. doesn't get much more pedophile than that (sorry if that's anyone who's not a pedophile's name.. like I'm really sorry because your name sucks.) I'm over my mom though man. She gave birth to a war buddy, not a daughter and I got tired of fighting a long time ago.

Here now, I am angry at my father because he knew damn well who he was leaving me with and at no point through anything that happened did he pull me out. He may not have known that she would never change and would only get worse with every passing failed moment but at some point he figured it out and he still did nothing. When she sent me to live with him, he sent me back because I cried for my friends. I had such shitty friends and he knew I had shitty friends. One of those shitty friends would later be the one to tell the white trash kid that worked for him the completely false rumor that I was a 16 year old prostitute, which would go on to be the reason he would barely acknowledge my existence for the 2-3 years following. He sold me out for whores & bullshit from like 1996 until his ex-fiancee left him in 2007. The same bitch I told him was cheating on him in 1996-97. Now we talk on holidays & birthdays. From my idol to some guy who can barely stop gaming long enough to have a conversation with me when we talk. As stupid as it seems, going to San Diego with him was my out. I was going to transfer to the coast that actually matters with my old job and I was going to live at the beach & start over again. Then a week later, he calls me to hold on to a few important things for him because he didn't want them to get ruined in the move. These 2 things were a USO sketch of my grandfather from 1945 and a caricature of me he had drawn at Potomac Mills in 1993. I cried when he gave them to me and left because I knew that was pretty much it. He had moved forward, he was ready to move on and the reality was he had been done with me for years. It wasn't his ex's fault anymore. He made the choice to distance himself and he made the choice to leave me behind again.

Except this time I was old enough to drink and I did. Boom. Totaled car. DUI. Had to quit my full time job with benefits that I'd had for 2 years, so I could pay for a lawyer who sucked.

Then my mom left. Which didn't really do anything  but solidify that I was alone. So to further increase my alcohol intake, I started working at a bar. Then the blackouts started but someone was always there to keep me upright. Then I started working at a bar where I was buddies with the majority of the staff & customers there and became well acquainted with a lot of excessively self indulgent people. 2 more DUIs later and I don't work there anymore & I'm seeking therapy, that I can't afford because of the inconsistency of my old job that has left me really behind on my bills and I'm sure my next years worth of wages will be going towards lawyer fees & court fines/costs.

My mom's response "BLAH BLAH BLAH..."

My step dad response is bong hits & gas money, which is cool but not going to do much ultimately.

I haven't talked to my dad about any of this stuff. I need to, I just don't see the point.