Hello old friend, how I have missed you.

Friday night I went to see Bane at the Ottobar in Baltimore, which is apparently relocating soon so I'm glad I got to go there again especially for such an AMAZING show. Carrying the Fire, Cruel Hand and Alpha & Omega opened. Trapped Under Ice also played and they were great. I remembered 2 of the members from going to shows years ago and there were tons of people who used to be out all of the time there too.

It's honestly been at least 4 years since I've been to a Hardcore show and it's 4 regretful years after that show, man. Seeing all of those people still caring so much about the same thing was so inspiring and some of them actually making something out of themselves with it. It was a huge reality check.

I loved that community. I miss the reality of it. There is nothing like the Hardcore music scene. There are no prerequisites necessary, there's no pressure. Every other "scene" I've found myself in has been influenced by something else or so many other things that there's no real heart in it. As long as you look the part and have got the script down, you've got it. At the show friday, there was no dress code or pretentious stereo type to fit into. Some people obviously rolled out of bed and came to show, others obviously just came from their "business attire only" job. There weren't a bunch of douche bags running around taking group FB pics to document that they were having a good time. People were just having a good time.

But dude really, I realized that I completely fell off. It was the one thing that I got into on my own accord. I made great friendships because of it and even mended some bridges in light of it. But I lost it and true to form for that time I blamed everything but me. I didn't stay true to myself. The "cool kids" wanted to hang out and I didn't look hard enough to realize that they were actually assholes who lived compromising lifestyles. I didn't see it and then I got mad when people who were smart enough to recognize it did and didn't agree with what I was doing. Years later when you start to try and save people around you who are falling, you understand that the people you blindly thought were trying to hold you back, were trying to help you and maybe even protect you from something you ultimately couldn't handle.

Aaron Bedard spoke about how incredible we are as human beings and our bodies' ability to heal and persevere through most things life throws at us. Like so many times before, what he said resonated inside me. It's been a rough 5 years. Making it through the last 2 is reason alone to keep waking up in the morning. "There's gotta be a reason I'm still here" it's cliched but legit statistics say I should not still be alive.

But I am and it's time to start living for me again. It's also time to man up and stop being afraid of everything again. I used to be wicked independent. I've fallen into the monotony of needing people to do things with me. I do not like that about myself. I once flew to Florida alone just to see Casey Jones. It was awesome. So it's definitely time to cut the bullshit and revert back to me. No fear. No more peer pressure. No bitch assness. I'm grown. Reality. Good people. Integrity. Strength. Pride. And a life that reflects all of those things.

we. are. back.

predictability

Its not surprising when a sociopath hasn't talked to you in 7 months and wishes you a happy birthday. Its less surprising when he wants to hang out obsessively and then makes up a story that will obviously start drama in your life.

Its not surprising that I wouldn't listen to a girl that I was "arch enemies" for 8 years without actually knowing her. Its less surprising that this same girl would stop being acquaintances with me without word or reason.

Its not surprising that acting like a grown up in a group of children will not make you everyone's favorite. Its less surprising that those same children are the exact same as adults, just with better jobs.

Its not surprising that I didn't hear from my Dad through all of the holidays this year. Its less surprising that I didn't call him to say something.

Its not surprising that I have been too afraid to really stand up for myself, speak my mind on a public level and do all of the things that I really want to do with myself. Its less surprising that my therapist would call me out on letting fear rule my life.

Its not surprising that I'm still thinking about this stuff, despite the fact that its all pointless. What is surprising is the change I feel inside. Where there used to be a boiling pit of volatile emotions & anxiety, there are resistant walls that bend with the motions but aren't really letting anything in. I will always make my snide remarks & cut throat judgements but nothing that destructive is worth submitting to because it will never submit to you.. not really anyway. And we should all know that some people in this world really are that corrupt & manipulative that they would play any role just to get you to do what they want and more than likely what they ultimately want is so insignificant in the grand scheme of things that you will never understand why someone to go to such lengths to get it. Any reason is self based.. self centered, self obsessed, self consumed, self conscious, self loathing, self redemption. I would just like to take the opportunity to say I'm really sorry you weren't born into a perfect existence and that if you were, that life forced you to be a bad person but as someone who has made her fair share of bad decisions & mistakes, only you can decide to actually stop what you're doing and make your life what you want it to be. Just saying you're a better person doesn't work, eventually everyone sees you for what you are and the very best thing about it is that it naturally happens. There's no manipulation involved, life just fucks you.

With all this being said, I am happy. I have so much to look forward to and all it really took was being grateful for what I already have. And no, nothing has changed. I'm still single, I still live w/ 2 friends in our failing condo and I still have a decent job that doesn't really matter to me. I can't explain what its like to always have your shit together, lose your shit for a few years and then put it all back together but I can tell you the end result is a wonderful feeling. Its good to know that you can fall down and get back up, just don't fall too far because there are some things you don't want to have to apologize for.

I give the 1st month of 2010 a B+ for improvement!

Go check out my new pictures! Julie Bromley just keeps making me look better & better and I love her oh so very much for it haha..

2010

Happiness or bust. As I just discussed with a friend 2009 was the year of failing to see awesomeness. Myself & others failing to find any awesomeness and also, other people getting the chance to see our personal awesomeness but for a number of doucheriffic excuses choosing to disregard it.

That shit is done! D-O-N-E! DONE! There are no chances this year. No maybes. Its all or nothing.

I'm going to go make a youtube video about this... yeah.