Its not surprising when a sociopath hasn't talked to you in 7 months and wishes you a happy birthday. Its less surprising when he wants to hang out obsessively and then makes up a story that will obviously start drama in your life.
Its not surprising that acting like a grown up in a group of children will not make you everyone's favorite. Its less surprising that those same children are the exact same as adults, just with better jobs.
Its not surprising that I didn't hear from my Dad through all of the holidays this year. Its less surprising that I didn't call him to say something.
Its not surprising that I have been too afraid to really stand up for myself, speak my mind on a public level and do all of the things that I really want to do with myself. Its less surprising that my therapist would call me out on letting fear rule my life.
Its not surprising that I'm still thinking about this stuff, despite the fact that its all pointless. What is surprising is the change I feel inside. Where there used to be a boiling pit of volatile emotions & anxiety, there are resistant walls that bend with the motions but aren't really letting anything in. I will always make my snide remarks & cut throat judgements but nothing that destructive is worth submitting to because it will never submit to you.. not really anyway. And we should all know that some people in this world really are that corrupt & manipulative that they would play any role just to get you to do what they want and more than likely what they ultimately want is so insignificant in the grand scheme of things that you will never understand why someone to go to such lengths to get it. Any reason is self based.. self centered, self obsessed, self consumed, self conscious, self loathing, self redemption. I would just like to take the opportunity to say I'm really sorry you weren't born into a perfect existence and that if you were, that life forced you to be a bad person but as someone who has made her fair share of bad decisions & mistakes, only you can decide to actually stop what you're doing and make your life what you want it to be. Just saying you're a better person doesn't work, eventually everyone sees you for what you are and the very best thing about it is that it naturally happens. There's no manipulation involved, life just fucks you.
With all this being said, I am happy. I have so much to look forward to and all it really took was being grateful for what I already have. And no, nothing has changed. I'm still single, I still live w/ 2 friends in our failing condo and I still have a decent job that doesn't really matter to me. I can't explain what its like to always have your shit together, lose your shit for a few years and then put it all back together but I can tell you the end result is a wonderful feeling. Its good to know that you can fall down and get back up, just don't fall too far because there are some things you don't want to have to apologize for.
I give the 1st month of 2010 a B+ for improvement!
Go check out my new pictures! Julie Bromley just keeps making me look better & better and I love her oh so very much for it haha..
