This is my letter to Paramore.

girls in short dresses.

I went through a huge riot grrl phase when I was 16. I cut obnoxious short boxy bangs into my hair & always wore it in a ponytail as to accentuate them, I later cut all of my hair off in a Marylou Retton-esque style... in my defense it was supposed to look more like Gwyneth Paltrow circa Sliding Doors and with the bangs and my Dad's ex fiancee being a drunk mess & sucking at hair (should've known when she quit the salon for Food Lion..) it just wasn't meant to be. My Napster account was chalk full of Le Tigre, Bikini Kill, L7, etc and I was on the Wau Wau Sisters e-mail list and they totally messaged me back this one time when I responded to a message and it was totally awesome.. it was really light & airy, I totally could've gone to NYC & probably hung out with them.. FML. lol. The truth is no I couldn't have, I was 16-17.. now? Maybe, who knows? Probably not but if I were 24 in 2001.. definitely... Dumb. This was also the first time I dated a girl. We held hands & kissed on the cheek and we slept in the same bed once & fell asleep watching movies that we got at the video store with her uber conservative Mom, which included But I'm a Cheerleader. We were in love. We didn't care who knew it. I believe 2, maybe 3, weeks later I was dating some guy who would later cheat on me but only after making it waaayy too easy to get waaayy too fucked up every day of the summer before 11th grade. We went to McDonald's for homecoming. We had matching platinum blond hair.. I'm actually blond but that's when Eminem was really cool, so when I lightened mine he did too. (Wow...)

Anyway, I also got into Feminism. I was really compelled by the efforts made by the women that had come before me and inspired me to get through my own life because of the things that those women went through so that it would only be as hard as it is now for me to get through it now. And I appreciate that because life sucks and if it sucked any worse, some times I don't know what I would do. However, just like a lot of earth & political issues, I got over it because of alot of confrontational activism. I'm really not into that. I feel like there are different ways of going about being heard and people will actually listen.

PLZ hold.

K, back. I had to leave to go to Salon and get my hair colored.

With that said, I was wondering a couple of months back about the significance of Feminism in our current society and here's my conclusion: there would basically be no need for Feminism anymore if dudes would stop being presumptuous douche bags. Case & point: a fierce girl wearing a hot dress & heels just to hang out with a friend and then go to work.. does she or does she not want to sleep with him?? You may assume she does, in which case, you are wrong. First of all, read that question again and then start to open up to obvious factors, obvious factors being the things that a non closed minded person would see first glance. A. she is going to hang out with a friend, not a "friend" or a friend with benefits, just a friend B. she is going to work after so she looks good for work and C. she's fierce.. of course she's wearing some hot outfit and no it isn't for that dude, its because she looks awesome.

I have to cut this one short and organize my thoughts. I just got laid off for no good reason and considering the last 2 things I've heard about my boss were that he attacked a porn star at a college night at another bar and that he planned on getting rid of all of the straights & lesbians at our bar (well, not mine obviously but w/e).... I'm really thrown off. And I love how I find out about not having a job anymore via fucking facebook, just like how I found out about having a new boss, just like how I found out about all of the changes actually... really professional.

Here's to being a jobless adult in this economy. FML.

sucka MCs & alcohol..

Waking up to Married with Children. I have been setting myself up for a miserable marriage such as this since I started dating, this is something I recognize only today. I have horrible taste in men. In fact, I think me liking some of the guys I have dated has further solidified their douche baggery. Its really hard to get a grasp on my generation's men. They are all over the place. My mother says I should date older men.. old dudes creep me out. I just want to date a nice guy with a spine. Openly flawed but confident in their own skin. Honest. Real. And when a girl says she's looking for a relationship, don't tell her you love her prematurely and then decide you want to take things slow.

I am obsessive. I need closure. I need things to have a beginning and an end. I don't want to deal with "the one who got away" ever. You're either here or you're not and we both know the details of our parting if you're not. That way there's no bullshit gossip or mystery, even though it appears that there will always be that drama with some. And that's ok. Some clearly don't realize what women & Woodbridge are capable of.. especially with our mouths.

Last thing about d bags before I switch topics. I assume that some girls are dumb enough to fall for dumb shit & antics. I am not. I am fucking Angela Lansbury, ok? Even if I don't want to assume the worst my subconscious will do it for me and send me a memo. I am unfoolable. Now if I could just be unfuckoverable, rather I could just drop this one horrid quality of only child syndrome. Sometimes you just need to be over it. No piece of ass is worth it and there might just be someone who isn't going to be a dick to me all of the time, and they might actually be attractive and actually have their shit together VS only attractive because of their initial personality and only have their shit together in theory, like me when I worked at HT, all attitude with nothing to really back it but a cool hobby & a full time job. Doctor..... ::insert scoff here::

So I've given up on DC and partying there. I don't know if its the times but everyone is hardcore balls to the wall all of the time. I can't hang. I'm glad too. Its been really refreshing. I know people are a little bored with me but those people are alcoholics & terrible influences. I got a DUI recently and my first thought was "I have to tell my kids that I got a DUI now." That's awful to me. The worst part is I've been going down this path for a while now. I should've gotten in trouble or died a long time ago, and why? Because I could handle it. Obviously not anymore or at all really. I am not a good drunk. I blackout really easily and there is no changing that. My tolerance does not increase. I'm like 110 lbs, I can't metabolize more than 4 drinks in a night and that's the max which can actually decrease depending on what I'm drinking.

Its hard to believe 5 years ago I truly believed I would never touch another drop of alcohol or any other substance for that matter. Life back then was awesome though. My life was how it should be. I worked and went to shows. I worked so I could go to show & do fun stuff. Now I work so I can try to pay my bills & so I can drink to forget how stupid life is. And its cliched as fuck, but the answer is not at the bottom of any bottle. I know that, how did I forget that? Bad influences. Now that I'm well into my 20's this can't happen anymore. And fuck everyone anyway. Fuck coolness too. I blame a lot of things that are obsolete because I am 24 and completely responsible for myself. Its good to know why things went down the way they did, no matter how bullshit the reasoning is, at least there was a reason and it wasn't entirely my fault, which for someone like me is a really good thing because I would rip myself apart otherwise.

The Jonas Brothers cover of Shania Twain's "I'm gonna getcha good" makes me want to lock them in the back of salon & turn them into sex slaves.. I don't have a salon... failure.

I love Music Choice.

I love a few things..

I am an asshole but I kind of feel like you need to be, especially when people are such assholes. Like be good to the ones you know are good to you. Be polite & courteous to mostly everyone because you shouldn't impose on anyone else's life just because. Seriously, can't tell you how many people need to be told to get & keep their shit together, so give a little get a little and keep yours in tact. Lord knows I needed to be told to do so.

I just hate being so pissed & upset when all I need is the smallest thing but apparently the smallest things to me are more than most can bare. I am the smallest 50 ft woman in the world.

Late Afternoon Confession

The truth about me, that has only become clear to me in the past few days, is that I am a sucker. When I was younger I was too old for my age. I am not good at being 24. I am too naive, idealistic & blindly hopeful, what I previously referred to as "old fashioned/traditional," for this. Its like I've figured that just because I grew out of something or learned something, that everyone else did too. This is not true.

A friend and I were talking about a particular relationship issue today. Neither of us could wrap our heads around why significant others/people who say "I love you" to you when hanging out with members of the opposite sex that you either are A. uncomfortable with or B. don't know about, that some how you are inexplicably completely unable to get a hold of them or they always forget to call when they say the will (or just should in my case.) What is that? It seems like common sense that someone would show their love interest at least the respect of not having them worry about you when you're generally someone they can easily get a hold of. If nothing else show them the courtesy of not inconveniencing their whole day. And furthermore, these people always have the audacity of brushing these issues off like its nothing, thus increasing the disrespect. It isn't you with the negative emotions, jerk. My friend & I both felt we are the type of people that when something really bothers our loved one we will do what we can to change that, regardless of how big or small we feel it is. I mean clearly its important enough to them to talk about it, so it must be important to them. Why not show that same respect?

Also, the days of saying "I love you" to get girls in bed are dead & gone. If you're only down to fuck, just keep it friendly a/o just say it, you'd be surprised at just how emotionally detached most females are these days. Let this be a PSA to the men of the world.

Baking muffins for yourself

If you have a plan with someone and they bail/flake do you go through with the plan without them? I do sometimes. Like right now. I'm not even to be hungry by the time they're done. Ha.. what is that? I feel like baking myself muffins instead of just putting some cereal & milk in a bowl makes me a spiteful person and that just seems ridiculous. Maybe I'm just thorough. Who knows?

David Archuleta creeps me out.

I really can't wait for the summer.

I am a music maker.. a dreamer of dreams..

I have random bouts of insomnia every now & again. Last night was one of those times. It was cool though. I was finally able to piece together an entire song using all of my different writing sources (journal, mini notepad, cell notes, private myspace blog, etc.) I'm pretty proud of myself. There is a strong & consistent structure throughout, which I'm really stoked about because I am notoriously scatterbrained. Leaps & bounds man. As I was typing about my about my lack of self motivation I got a little mad at myself because its that attitude that's held me back. The bottom line for me in all of this is the fact that there isn't anyone doing anything for me, so why am I waiting for someone to do something for? Whether its because I hang out with the wrong people or I'm just completely in the wrong place, you are irregular if you do not have a selfish motive for any & every thing you do. And on top of that we have all lost the most amazing of human evolutionary qualities, self awareness.
[ 3 of many things I will continually touch base on:
-Self Awareness
-Presumption & assumption
-the annoyance that is love]
The audacity that most of us have formed is uncanny. Hypocrisy & the projection of emotion go hand in hand. The satisfaction from the actions formed from these displays is short lived & has no long term fulfillment too, but I can't name one person who hasn't displayed them. What I've noticed is that people seem to assume someone is doing something (i.e. hanging out with other potential love interests, sleeping with multiple partners, shopping around, etc) therefore they too should continue to seek out other options. What's sad is I also can't think of anyone who doesn't continually claim to "just want that someone." How do you expect to even try to completely give yourself to someone when you're spread so thin that your sincerity & genuineness are borderline transparent and all of your lines are delivered with the precision of a trained actor.

Did I miss the rehearsal? No, this is life. It is exactly what it is, unless its planned and predetermined. A plan forged from an uneducated idea with only selfish & manipulative intent. You get the prize but what does the prize get? You? A selfish, manipulative hypocrite that used the idea of fate to their benefit? You can have my nod of respect, for your mind games are far beyond any of those I have ever witnessed before, but nothing more.

I'm personally holding out until something opaque comes my way. And when we can't get around or over each other, that'll be it. No tests. No games. No guessing. No fighting or working for it. Just reality & common ground. We will conquer the world.. who ever you are.

Decompression-An Unnecessary Art

Decompression is a funny thing.. to me anyways. The thing about growing up the way I did is that you don't realize what's happened until it stops happening and you don't realize something is wrong until you learn what is commonly right. I don't believe I was ever a child. I perfected the arts of education by observation & rationalization as I learned to speak and learned to withstand the perils of strength before I knew what it was. I was 23 for 24 years. Its taken me this long to get where I am and looking over everything I am continually disappointed with my progress. All the while analyzing & reanalyzing the past & continuing trials, tribulations and mixed up memories. A friend of mine describes these flourishes of thought as "bubbles." I think of them as a eruptions because their impact is far more emotionally detrimental than that of a bubble.

Being 24 without a career or a husband or a child but with "all the potential in the world" is a very awkward place. Viewing most of the world as conquerable but everything you actually want as overwhelmingly terrifying & unattainable is discouraging. Realizing in your mid 20's that you're not sure you want to be the person you've turned yourself into and attempting to change the opinions of ill opinioned, over middle aged conservative America is exhausting and so is battling the world along with yourself & everyone involved.

"What are you doing with your life?" Good question, sir/ madam/intrigued individual. I have no idea really. I really don't care. I want to be happy and when I am mature & settled enough a human being I hope to take on a career that will service the world in some wonderfully helpful way but that time is not now. Just like I want to be an amazing wife & mother and God willing one day I will but that time has not come.. neither has a spouse or the prospect there of for that matter. I say that with a lot of attitude at this moment because the tale that is as old as time, men are stupid. My personal version of the novel began in 1991 when I was banned from the bus for 2 weeks for kicking a boy in the face. This particular boy would begin a neverending parade of insecure men that would assume that just because they felt a certain way about me, that I would (of course) feel the same way for them and we would be in love as true soulmates, never to part. This theory is ridiculous to me and very off putting. Presumption is obsurd in matters of emotion. And with that said, I am a fool. Which brings us to my other typical type, that is luckily a rare and eclipse like occurance. Effortlessly striking & entrancing, some mysterious quality, casually charming & paralyzingly attractive and stealthily sadistic & manipulative. Maybe I'm a gluton for punishment but I'm also a quick study and the more experience I gain the more conveluted & complicated the situations become.

I've dated 3 guys in the past 5 months (I use the term "dated" extremely loosely.) Guy 1-dream within a dream-epic to unnecessary to terrifying to chill to repulsive. Guy 2-infamous aquarian-different to sketchy to strangely likeable to annoyingly comical and something to pay attention to out of spite & the need for balance. Guy 3 (which is only listed for honorable mention & it was pretty dishonorable but w/e) "replacing the dream" a joke-personal fulfillment-laughable to cute to hot to lackluster to completely disappointing to absolutely nothing, in record time might I add. And all the while I have these "fellow" helpless romantics seeking me out (online because that is apparently the only suitable way to become involved-romanticly or otherwise-with someone these days) and here I sit high a top my pedastal with no regard for these suiters because I do not want a man to grovel for my affections. I want them taken from me and replaced with the relentless love of another. It is no secret that I am in love with love, I'm just waiting for love to be in love with me. I am lost without that fulfillment. Blame the parental issues but it is reality regardless. I am not self motivated. I need something to want to be better for. And yes, I know I should be enough or that I should recognize that creating a better future for myself now will benefit whatever or whomever my future holds but its really taking a while for that to sink in & really take an effect on my existence.

Decompression though, its funny because it takes so long and when over 2 decades overdue you have to recognize that if you would've been like everyone else and let it go as it came or just let it roll off instead of absorbing it, you wouldn't need to be going through this entire process now. Peeling back layer after layer of damaged humanity, each more vulnerable & seemingly permanent than the last. Recognizing that the world can't see the stories written under my skin and that the future has no memory to hold the past against me. But with every thing I let go of, another supressed memory, fear or emotion comes up. Its like psychological Tetris. But I am dealing.

I'm hoping this blog will make it easier for me to become extroverted enough to share my inner creativity. The contents of my brain could create a pair of rose colored glasses large enough for the world to share and I think its time we all get a different view.