I have random bouts of insomnia every now & again. Last night was one of those times. It was cool though. I was finally able to piece together an entire song using all of my different writing sources (journal, mini notepad, cell notes, private myspace blog, etc.) I'm pretty proud of myself. There is a strong & consistent structure throughout, which I'm really stoked about because I am notoriously scatterbrained. Leaps & bounds man. As I was typing about my about my lack of self motivation I got a little mad at myself because its that attitude that's held me back. The bottom line for me in all of this is the fact that there isn't anyone doing anything for me, so why am I waiting for someone to do something for? Whether its because I hang out with the wrong people or I'm just completely in the wrong place, you are irregular if you do not have a selfish motive for any & every thing you do. And on top of that we have all lost the most amazing of human evolutionary qualities, self awareness.
[ 3 of many things I will continually touch base on:
-Self Awareness
-Presumption & assumption
-the annoyance that is love]
The audacity that most of us have formed is uncanny. Hypocrisy & the projection of emotion go hand in hand. The satisfaction from the actions formed from these displays is short lived & has no long term fulfillment too, but I can't name one person who hasn't displayed them. What I've noticed is that people seem to assume someone is doing something (i.e. hanging out with other potential love interests, sleeping with multiple partners, shopping around, etc) therefore they too should continue to seek out other options. What's sad is I also can't think of anyone who doesn't continually claim to "just want that someone." How do you expect to even try to completely give yourself to someone when you're spread so thin that your sincerity & genuineness are borderline transparent and all of your lines are delivered with the precision of a trained actor.
Did I miss the rehearsal? No, this is life. It is exactly what it is, unless its planned and predetermined. A plan forged from an uneducated idea with only selfish & manipulative intent. You get the prize but what does the prize get? You? A selfish, manipulative hypocrite that used the idea of fate to their benefit? You can have my nod of respect, for your mind games are far beyond any of those I have ever witnessed before, but nothing more.
I'm personally holding out until something opaque comes my way. And when we can't get around or over each other, that'll be it. No tests. No games. No guessing. No fighting or working for it. Just reality & common ground. We will conquer the world.. who ever you are.
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