Hello old friend, how I have missed you.

Friday night I went to see Bane at the Ottobar in Baltimore, which is apparently relocating soon so I'm glad I got to go there again especially for such an AMAZING show. Carrying the Fire, Cruel Hand and Alpha & Omega opened. Trapped Under Ice also played and they were great. I remembered 2 of the members from going to shows years ago and there were tons of people who used to be out all of the time there too.

It's honestly been at least 4 years since I've been to a Hardcore show and it's 4 regretful years after that show, man. Seeing all of those people still caring so much about the same thing was so inspiring and some of them actually making something out of themselves with it. It was a huge reality check.

I loved that community. I miss the reality of it. There is nothing like the Hardcore music scene. There are no prerequisites necessary, there's no pressure. Every other "scene" I've found myself in has been influenced by something else or so many other things that there's no real heart in it. As long as you look the part and have got the script down, you've got it. At the show friday, there was no dress code or pretentious stereo type to fit into. Some people obviously rolled out of bed and came to show, others obviously just came from their "business attire only" job. There weren't a bunch of douche bags running around taking group FB pics to document that they were having a good time. People were just having a good time.

But dude really, I realized that I completely fell off. It was the one thing that I got into on my own accord. I made great friendships because of it and even mended some bridges in light of it. But I lost it and true to form for that time I blamed everything but me. I didn't stay true to myself. The "cool kids" wanted to hang out and I didn't look hard enough to realize that they were actually assholes who lived compromising lifestyles. I didn't see it and then I got mad when people who were smart enough to recognize it did and didn't agree with what I was doing. Years later when you start to try and save people around you who are falling, you understand that the people you blindly thought were trying to hold you back, were trying to help you and maybe even protect you from something you ultimately couldn't handle.

Aaron Bedard spoke about how incredible we are as human beings and our bodies' ability to heal and persevere through most things life throws at us. Like so many times before, what he said resonated inside me. It's been a rough 5 years. Making it through the last 2 is reason alone to keep waking up in the morning. "There's gotta be a reason I'm still here" it's cliched but legit statistics say I should not still be alive.

But I am and it's time to start living for me again. It's also time to man up and stop being afraid of everything again. I used to be wicked independent. I've fallen into the monotony of needing people to do things with me. I do not like that about myself. I once flew to Florida alone just to see Casey Jones. It was awesome. So it's definitely time to cut the bullshit and revert back to me. No fear. No more peer pressure. No bitch assness. I'm grown. Reality. Good people. Integrity. Strength. Pride. And a life that reflects all of those things.

we. are. back.

predictability

Its not surprising when a sociopath hasn't talked to you in 7 months and wishes you a happy birthday. Its less surprising when he wants to hang out obsessively and then makes up a story that will obviously start drama in your life.

Its not surprising that I wouldn't listen to a girl that I was "arch enemies" for 8 years without actually knowing her. Its less surprising that this same girl would stop being acquaintances with me without word or reason.

Its not surprising that acting like a grown up in a group of children will not make you everyone's favorite. Its less surprising that those same children are the exact same as adults, just with better jobs.

Its not surprising that I didn't hear from my Dad through all of the holidays this year. Its less surprising that I didn't call him to say something.

Its not surprising that I have been too afraid to really stand up for myself, speak my mind on a public level and do all of the things that I really want to do with myself. Its less surprising that my therapist would call me out on letting fear rule my life.

Its not surprising that I'm still thinking about this stuff, despite the fact that its all pointless. What is surprising is the change I feel inside. Where there used to be a boiling pit of volatile emotions & anxiety, there are resistant walls that bend with the motions but aren't really letting anything in. I will always make my snide remarks & cut throat judgements but nothing that destructive is worth submitting to because it will never submit to you.. not really anyway. And we should all know that some people in this world really are that corrupt & manipulative that they would play any role just to get you to do what they want and more than likely what they ultimately want is so insignificant in the grand scheme of things that you will never understand why someone to go to such lengths to get it. Any reason is self based.. self centered, self obsessed, self consumed, self conscious, self loathing, self redemption. I would just like to take the opportunity to say I'm really sorry you weren't born into a perfect existence and that if you were, that life forced you to be a bad person but as someone who has made her fair share of bad decisions & mistakes, only you can decide to actually stop what you're doing and make your life what you want it to be. Just saying you're a better person doesn't work, eventually everyone sees you for what you are and the very best thing about it is that it naturally happens. There's no manipulation involved, life just fucks you.

With all this being said, I am happy. I have so much to look forward to and all it really took was being grateful for what I already have. And no, nothing has changed. I'm still single, I still live w/ 2 friends in our failing condo and I still have a decent job that doesn't really matter to me. I can't explain what its like to always have your shit together, lose your shit for a few years and then put it all back together but I can tell you the end result is a wonderful feeling. Its good to know that you can fall down and get back up, just don't fall too far because there are some things you don't want to have to apologize for.

I give the 1st month of 2010 a B+ for improvement!

Go check out my new pictures! Julie Bromley just keeps making me look better & better and I love her oh so very much for it haha..

2010

Happiness or bust. As I just discussed with a friend 2009 was the year of failing to see awesomeness. Myself & others failing to find any awesomeness and also, other people getting the chance to see our personal awesomeness but for a number of doucheriffic excuses choosing to disregard it.

That shit is done! D-O-N-E! DONE! There are no chances this year. No maybes. Its all or nothing.

I'm going to go make a youtube video about this... yeah.

some things never change, some things only stay the same..

Going into this holiday season and new year, I am a different person. Rehabilitated? Maybe. Just habilitated, perhaps.. finally equipped with the ability to function independently in life. I was raised well. I was raised intelligently. The only thing lacking was confidence and I see that still to this day in both parents but its not about them anymore. It shouldn't have ever been about them.

Recognizing every instance where your faltered is not easy but its a good thing. Knowing where you've been, how you got there and why you left, and knowing whether or not you should ever go back. It makes letting go easier. There are many things that have happened over the past 10 years alone that I have held onto so tightly that they felt like they were a part of me and if I let them go, I would lose another piece of myself and that was not acceptable. Those things include people, problems and bad situations.. none of which were positive, and obviously not permanent, in my life. I have been such a sucker and I've been even better at playing the part of someone who could never be fooled, in the end I have made a lot of enemies and have looked crazy on a number of occasions. There are things that I may always lie about publicly because I am still not proud of them. I mean what girl wants to think about every failed relationship or time she got played but some asshole? I accept it all, I've confessed the necessary secrets but its not who I am now, so I don't have to continue to try & work it into my character. So I was sexually promiscuous in high school and I lied about it a lot. So I fell in love with a guy that hung out with a bunch of really fucked up people and that didn't make being a good person easy and now neither of us are the same people anymore. So I hung out with a bunch of selfish young adults that never cared as much as me, that stole love interests, stabbed me in the back, talked shit, bailed on all of the important stuff, started wars over bullshit, turned me into a joke, didn't know when to stop, etc. So my therapist says I shouldn't talk to my family and I care too much about people. So my Dad would like to forget the past 26 years of his life including me and drowns in sorrows in RPGs. So my Mom deletes me on networking sites when she gets mad at me and cares too much about the past to make the future better. So what? Who cares? I did but none of what I was hung up on is real. I can't touch it. I can't see it. So it only exists in theory and life is not theoretical therefore it doesn't matter. So, it doesn't matter.

We are finally on the up & up and it feels really good.

25 in 7 days

it is time to nut up or shut up, woody.. you're absolutely right!

So it turns out I'm probably the sucker in one of those "friends close enemies closer" friendships. It also turns out that a lot of my friends have counted on me to be the bigger person or the one who won't mind/will be understanding about being put on the back burner. As it turns out, I am not. I am so done with my spineless, poor excuses of friends who run their mouths to me about shit because they know I'll agree that whatever wrong someone is doing them is wrong or that when someone is being a worthless, waste of life that is what they're doing. I used to be someone who really cared about the well being of my closest friends but I used to have friends that were worth that sort of loyalty. Now I just know a bunch of cowards who stand up for things that will ultimately never effect them.. unless of course they're fucked up on something then you better watch your ass.... especially when they"ve already gotten back to the car or you've already left where ever they are, thus disabling any opportunity for a real confrontation.

I'm tired of all the talk. I don't want friends that I feel the need to tell what to do or that I feel are a mess or a just plain fucking stupid. I can't explain what its like look at someone that you care for and just think "how have you made it through life even this far? you are so incredibly unintelligent.." I also can't explain how angry & kind of grossed out it makes me to have someone continually bitch to me about their totaly detestation for a person who is no longer a part of my life for all of the reasons they're bitching and for them to turn around and basically slap me in the face with it. That is retarded dude. If there's one thing I've learned in therapy its that you're not supposed to talk shit about the people you care about. You either try to help them within healthy boundaries or you cut them lose for your own well being because no one should be expected to carry dead weight around and that goes for friends & family. Really, you shouldn't have to try and be someone's friend at all but sometimes your good friends (people who have proven to be a good person to & for you) need your help. But there are also friends who just need way too much and never give back what you need. Those are the jerks I personally am done with.

I'd rather have a handful of friends than a back full of knives.

i'm the worst blogger ever..

I'm probably not the worst ever but I suck at this.

There are so many things I need to or should be doing right now but can't for one reason or another. I need a job and one that I actually respect. I need to write music & record it. I need to make better contacts and stay in contact with them.

I went and saw Walking with Dinosaurs. It was awesome but it was also really nice to go to something like that. Something where its inappropriate to drink or to be on anything or to be a displayed, extreme version of yourself. Sit there, watch, be entertained.. even learn something. The one thing I wish my parents taught me was that coolness didn't matter and that if I thought something was cool then it was cool and it didn't matter if no one agreed. I'm happy to be getting to a point that my confidence in my opinions isn't projected through rants & outbursts and I am who I am.. comfortably. I'm working on being so passive aggressive now.. I'm perfecting smug, cold composure and my brief DC lifestyle gives me too many outlets to practice on.

The new Paramore is good. I could deal without the few "we're probably the best band ever & you should know that its awesome that we didn't break up" (i.e. "looking up" & "where the lines overlap") tracks but everything else is awesome. I'm relatively hooked on "the only exception." Hayley Williams is definitely growing as a writer and that is refreshing & inspiring.

DL: Devendra Banhart-"Baby"... its cute city, USA

Update complete.. BOOM

selfish.

how can you give up the good?
like its just so easy for you to be unhappy
you're worse than me with that
and i was never meant to take it
why taunt yourself with endless nights
when you know you'll never live there?
you could find what you want
even if its not what they all wanted
and who are these false saints
left here for you to praise?
i commend you on your faith
but doubt they feel the same
i see their backs afront the gun
and i see you take it all in
i hope you get out one day love
but i'm starting to doubt you will



stream of thought at work..