some things never change, some things only stay the same..

Going into this holiday season and new year, I am a different person. Rehabilitated? Maybe. Just habilitated, perhaps.. finally equipped with the ability to function independently in life. I was raised well. I was raised intelligently. The only thing lacking was confidence and I see that still to this day in both parents but its not about them anymore. It shouldn't have ever been about them.

Recognizing every instance where your faltered is not easy but its a good thing. Knowing where you've been, how you got there and why you left, and knowing whether or not you should ever go back. It makes letting go easier. There are many things that have happened over the past 10 years alone that I have held onto so tightly that they felt like they were a part of me and if I let them go, I would lose another piece of myself and that was not acceptable. Those things include people, problems and bad situations.. none of which were positive, and obviously not permanent, in my life. I have been such a sucker and I've been even better at playing the part of someone who could never be fooled, in the end I have made a lot of enemies and have looked crazy on a number of occasions. There are things that I may always lie about publicly because I am still not proud of them. I mean what girl wants to think about every failed relationship or time she got played but some asshole? I accept it all, I've confessed the necessary secrets but its not who I am now, so I don't have to continue to try & work it into my character. So I was sexually promiscuous in high school and I lied about it a lot. So I fell in love with a guy that hung out with a bunch of really fucked up people and that didn't make being a good person easy and now neither of us are the same people anymore. So I hung out with a bunch of selfish young adults that never cared as much as me, that stole love interests, stabbed me in the back, talked shit, bailed on all of the important stuff, started wars over bullshit, turned me into a joke, didn't know when to stop, etc. So my therapist says I shouldn't talk to my family and I care too much about people. So my Dad would like to forget the past 26 years of his life including me and drowns in sorrows in RPGs. So my Mom deletes me on networking sites when she gets mad at me and cares too much about the past to make the future better. So what? Who cares? I did but none of what I was hung up on is real. I can't touch it. I can't see it. So it only exists in theory and life is not theoretical therefore it doesn't matter. So, it doesn't matter.

We are finally on the up & up and it feels really good.

25 in 7 days